On a cold February night…..

I thought I had it under control, laugh when I’m sad, smile when I’m hurt, love when I’m betrayed, sing without a voice, but fuck it. Sometimes, the only thing you can do is get away, leave it all behind. Start afresh, on a clean slate, a new chapter.

All these crosses my mind as I laid there in the dark, spent from a session of fake love making, him, breathing ever so serene besides me, there’s no love between us anymore, at best, we’ve become intimate strangers.

I mean, how do you love someone who doesn’t love you back? Where do you master up the energy to keep giving him your all?

I thought love was supposed to feel like a sweet sight of satin sheets gently caressing my skin, but it’s though, it’s as hard as someone’s feet in summertime pavements, as a dick in one’s crack.

You see, for me love feels hopeless, and we all know too well that hope is dangerous at times. I sat there, waiting on him to learn how to love me, to give it a try. I sat there like a blind man searching for new eyes on the internet. Why don’t I just walk away? Why do I sit here and let him keep me in a place of confusion?

For a moment I thought I was crazy, I thought I was over thinking things, but then you remembered what love truly is. It is a maze, a maze I keep turning the corner hoping he’ll be there, it’s a place where the sun shines but it’s raining th the same time.

Love… Love is like bipolar on steroids. I mean, out of all things why would I invest in something I no longer believed in? Maybe it’s me, maybe, in order for me to be immensely in love with this man, I’d had to fall in love with myself. Maybe, if I didn’t feel like somehow the the men in life had failed me I wouldn’t be feeling this inadequacy towards a man whose loved me flaws and all.

But you see, I don’t think I’m willing to allow myself this moment of bliss, to breathe a brand new air and have his love engulf even the doubts in mind. Instead, I’m sitting here in the dark, plotting my escape from a love, and a man who seems to be shaking the very foundations of my insecurities.

Will he understand that it has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with me. That I’m afraid of loving him because he’s everything I’ve ever wanted in man, that he is a man, and then some. Oh God, what is wrong with me?

I am close to tears now, so im gonna just cuddle with this beautiful specimen and forgetabout my inability to be vulnerable with him