Love Letter to Dr. Bev Ditsie

Dear Dr. Bev
My name is Kgomotso Meso, I am not sure if you would know me if we were to ever be in the same surroundings, however, I could point you out in a crowd in that instant.
It’s taken me a very long time to pen this letter down, solely because I wasn’t sure if I was/am the right person to be writing it to someone of your caliber, I don’t mean to sound venerating you for my own benefit but you are pretty much a big deal in my eyes and I’m sure in so many other queer people out there.
I must say, I didn’t know about you until recently, I was fortunate to have been in attendance for the 2018 Simon Nkoli Memorial Lecturer, I hadn’t been big on queer activism and everything else queer-friendly and pushing the right of and for queer people across the spectrum, and to say I was unprepared for what I witnessed would be an understatement.
I want to start by firstly offer my deepest and belated condolences to you for the loss and passing of your comrade-in-arm best friend, Simon Nkoli, from watching your documentary (Simon and I), I can tell the two of you shared something that transcended friendship, activism, and comradiness, you two seemed to be existing on the same wave-length, something that’s lacking of lately.
I want to thank you, for your fortitude, for being resolute and standing firm in your belief for representation, visibility, inclusivity, pride and steadfast in making sure that queer people would not be ignored.
Thank you, for your time, for going out of your way and making sure that queer people had a voice in the grandeur scheme of things and that our voices are heard, not only in SA but abroad. Thank you for continuing to fight the injustice suffered at the hands of people who didn’t want to acknowledge, respect, see, hear and include us. For stand up to those in power who wanted us to be but a minor collective
Thank you for honesty, for speaking truth to power, for pointing out the wrongs, praising the good, and forging on when others around you were engulfed by doubt, for dragging them into the light and making g them see the what the fighting was for. Thank you, for being a part of the first Committee to organise Pride and therefore cementing us in the history books, for without people like you, there’d never be people like us. Thank you for not giving up, in the midst of being threatened, for those moments when you must’ve felt like giving up and didn’t, for championing for those without voices.
I am sure you heard this a lot, but you are one of the good ones, a pioneer of note, a force for good, undoubtedly the most inspiring human being. I’m particularly drawn to your documentary, especially when you doubted if Si in his last moments knew you were with him. I truly believe he did, and I believe he knew that you would carry the baton for change to places he never would. And I know he is proud of you, the milestones you have reached, the barriers you have broken, the wars you’ve fought known and unknown.

You are a remarkable person, a good friend, a revered activist, through situational awareness, you’ve taught us to be aware of the injustice towards LGBTIQA+ people , through emotional intelligence you’ve taught us how to respect others around us regardless of our differences, through empathy you’ve taught us to always walk a mile in other people’s shoes and never to judge, through media savvy you’ve taught us to use social media to not only connect but widely spread the word and show the world who we are and what we stand for, and through selflessness you’ve taught us to fight, shout, stand and be resolute in our quest to fight for those who can’t.

Re lebogela tsotlhe tseo oo di direleng go fetola maphelo a rona.


10 August 2019


You know the old saying, “If walls could talk?” that’s what I thought sitting there watching this performance, inspired by Guillaune’s poem of the same name and choreographed by Moving Into Dance (MIDM)’s Mark Hawkins, the opening of performance leaves the spectators watching with shock as a ” newlywed” bride guns down her idling “husband”, as music changed, we are taken through an intriguing yet somehow “familiar” world of desire, forbidden love, loss, murder, jealousy, sexual exploration and self-destruction.

An 8 member cast, takes us on a journey of exploration, expressing the varied yearnings that have for so long being locked in closed doors and the darkest parts of reality only seen through the messy room that the room service patron is exposed to. We follow the “victim” of what’s called the “crime of passion” only to reveal the betrayal behind it.

As we become privy to what happens behind closed doors, the curtain pulls back and we get to see beyond the everyday pretences of what’s called “heterosexual normalcy” and we enter into a world laced with desire, greed, humour, love, innocence, and ultimate destruction

The performance, infused with humour, gives us a chance to not only see the world through the complex characters telling the story of fantasy, tubular sex, sultry seduction, touching on forbidden love (homo-love), the dangers of being guileless, the pain of betrayal and the ultimate sacrifice.

Each scene depicted different emotions, the rawness of feelings, from the pureness of falling, the sexual awakening, the flirtatious flamingo, the dying swan, and the ununderstood world of male sex work and finally the crime of passion. The interchange of the scenes leaves the audience with questions unanswered, and as the story unfolds, we begin to piece together the anger that simmers beneath the pretentious love, the fear of letting go, of being yourself and allowing your desires to take control of you.

However, something was missing, a sensual feeling of some sort, there was always a hint of something to come, something more daring, more provocative, more twists and turns, but as we got to the edge of our seats, waiting and waiting, the characters left us questioning, yearning, and wondering if there would be more, a smoke and mirrors deflection

We are awaiting  the next offerings from MID


The background to the scenery


Happier times


The haze of curiosity


The dance of demise




The calm before the storm


Housekeeper/ Keeper of secrets


The murderous bride, the scorned woman, the snake in the grass, the darkness beneath the veil, the jaded blade, the briner of death, the Black Widow




Queen of Desire: The Flamingo Dance, Sultry, seduction, desire


Faces behind the masks


Loss of Innocence


Death of a Swan


Sexual awakening, forbidden love

When anxiety days strike

Are you like me when you can be fine for a while, only having the odd anxious moments or generally only being anxious for very specific reasons, and then one day comes where you feel paralysed by anxiety and you don’t know what to do?

I haven’t fully figured out yet how to make it go away(maybe professionals would have a better idea, of course), but I do know thatwhen these days come around I need to take them for myself, take the time toheal and let my thoughts get organised again. I also know though, that the linebetween taking time for myself and isolating myself is very thin, and I need toknow exactly when that alone time needs to come to an end, or it might do moredamage than good.

The thing that bothers me is not knowing what I’m anxious about. Most days it has a reason, but these days it can just come and linger around for absolutely no good reason, meaning I don’t know how to make it goaway (at all).

Sometimes you just need some quiet around you to recharge. And I don’t quiet in terms of tangible noise, but in terms of emotional noise,the negativity that emanates from human beings.

If I can’t be around you it doesn’t mean I don’t like you or that I have anything against you, it just means that my head is too cluttered,and I need to clear it in order to feel okay again. It means that no matter how much I try to drown out the noise, being around others who going against everything and focusing on the negative side of life is getting to me, and that doesn’t allow me to be in peace with my thoughts.

Like it or not, I’m not always strong enough to be able to face your criticism or others without feeling a little torn down myself. That’s why, when you see me fleeing and seeking for this quiet time, don’t take itpersonally.

My head needs time to recollect its thoughts and figure outto make me feel better without outside influences.

It’s only because of this silence that I’m able to keep feeling inspired

Have you gotten like this before? How do you make anxiety go away when you don’t really know the source of it?

Talk to me, how do you deal with your axiety? What techbiques do you have to combat it?

On a cold February night…..

I thought I had it under control, laugh when I’m sad, smile when I’m hurt, love when I’m betrayed, sing without a voice, but fuck it. Sometimes, the only thing you can do is get away, leave it all behind. Start afresh, on a clean slate, a new chapter.

All these crosses my mind as I laid there in the dark, spent from a session of fake love making, him, breathing ever so serene besides me, there’s no love between us anymore, at best, we’ve become intimate strangers.

I mean, how do you love someone who doesn’t love you back? Where do you master up the energy to keep giving him your all?

I thought love was supposed to feel like a sweet sight of satin sheets gently caressing my skin, but it’s though, it’s as hard as someone’s feet in summertime pavements, as a dick in one’s crack.

You see, for me love feels hopeless, and we all know too well that hope is dangerous at times. I sat there, waiting on him to learn how to love me, to give it a try. I sat there like a blind man searching for new eyes on the internet. Why don’t I just walk away? Why do I sit here and let him keep me in a place of confusion?

For a moment I thought I was crazy, I thought I was over thinking things, but then you remembered what love truly is. It is a maze, a maze I keep turning the corner hoping he’ll be there, it’s a place where the sun shines but it’s raining th the same time.

Love… Love is like bipolar on steroids. I mean, out of all things why would I invest in something I no longer believed in? Maybe it’s me, maybe, in order for me to be immensely in love with this man, I’d had to fall in love with myself. Maybe, if I didn’t feel like somehow the the men in life had failed me I wouldn’t be feeling this inadequacy towards a man whose loved me flaws and all.

But you see, I don’t think I’m willing to allow myself this moment of bliss, to breathe a brand new air and have his love engulf even the doubts in mind. Instead, I’m sitting here in the dark, plotting my escape from a love, and a man who seems to be shaking the very foundations of my insecurities.
Will he understand that it has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with me. That I’m afraid of loving him because he’s everything I’ve ever wanted in man, that he is a man, and then some. Oh God, what is wrong with me?

I am close to tears now, so im gonna just cuddle with this beautiful specimen and forgetabout my inability to be vulnerable with him

Unapologetically me: Black, Queer, Complex and Loving ME😉

The most important thing I want you to take away from this is that you are most definitely, without a doubt good enough. I need you to remember there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

I know there is a good chance you are rolling your eyes at that statement, you may be muttering to yourself, “yeah right” or “whatever” but mutter away cause it’s true.

It’s tough being the guy who cares too much. The guy who would do anything for those he cares about without wanting anything in return.

I totally get that. It can take a toll on a person.

You’re the guy that overthinks everything. The one who worries about everyone before worrying about himself. You’re the guy who loves with his whole heart. You jump in with no hesitations. You’re also the guy who’s had his heart broken because of it. The one who at the end of the day begins to question everything.

You need to erase this idea that there is something the matter with you. Delete the notion that you’re unlovable, that you have some sort of personality flaw that stops someone from loving you.

You see the problem was never you. It’s the boy you openly gave your heart to, that couldn’t see the value in your love. A guy who took a heart of gold and tried to tarnish it. A guy who doesn’t deserve the love you’ve continuously tried to give him. If he makes you feel like you’re not good enough, he isn’t good enough.

Forget that guy because as much as losing him hurts, there will be someone to pick up the pieces and help you leave him in the dust. There is someone out there who will show you how a real gentleman treats a lady.

Let me tell you, you deserve a man that will lift you up, help you believe in yourself, remind you fairy tales do exist and that you can have your own Nicholas Sparks tale, but it’ll be even better cause it will be your own.

Stop comparing yourself to every other guy out there. You were born to be different, to be an individual. You’re not supposed to be like everyone else, otherwise you wouldn’t be you.

Just because he has some features you wish you had, doesn’t mean you aren’t deserving of the same things he is, it doesn’t make you any less of a man. He may be taller, weigh a little less than you but it doesn’t make him better. Chances are there are things he doesn’t like about himself as well.

The things you see as flaws or imperfections make you the wonderful man you are.

Stop looking at yourself in the mirror feeling disgusted. Stop picking out all the things you hate about yourself. Focus on all the good. Stop telling yourself that if you lost a few pounds everything would be better. Stop convincing yourself your weight is a reason to not be worthy.

You have to learn to love yourself before you can expect someone else to love you. I promise there will be a guy who will love every little thing about you, even your obsession with cold pizza, the way you fall in love with characters from the many novels you have read and collected and every other thing you think is wrong with your body.

Please know that the scale doesn’t define you. You may be skinnier than other guys or you may be a little more curvaceous and both of those are perfectly fine. Embrace it all, because you are beautiful.

Forget those who make you feel any less deserving of respect, love, honesty, loyalty and trust. In fact tell them, ‘Bye Felicia”. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, because those who refuse to see your worth or helped put the notion that you’re not good enough is someone you don’t need around.

Love yourself. You are wonderful and worthy.

You are more than “good enough”. You’re great, and your strengths outweigh your weaknesses everyday.

You are beautiful, strong, intelligent, witty, sarcastic, funny and worthy. You’re a genuinely beautiful soul and a fantastic man, so please believe in yourself, and screw the haters.

-From one guy who let the world tell him he wasn’t good enough, it’s time we start believing we are.

#Self_Love #Self_believe #Self_worth #Beautiful _is_me

Moving in my own variation

Over the last few years, I started realizing how much trouble we were having communicating with one another. Less so for close friends and family. Much more so when it comes to discussing ideologies with strangers. Having failed at so many of these conversations, I may have learned something. If we want to have more meaningful conversations, we need to do a better job of being honest with one another. And that includes using the most accurate language available to us.

I hear the word disability tossed around a fair bit. There now seems to be a disability for everything. It’s like if you’re anything other than the ‘perfect’ human blueprint, you are somehow lesser. And this is your disability.

Fuck that.

I read something interesting a few months ago about the victim mentality. Someone was asked why it had gained in popularity and what made it attractive. The answer was rather simple: it was an easy way to be powerful. The traditional route to power was through hard work and success, and it usually took years. In a society that celebrates and protects victims, why invest the time and effort into building yourself up through accountability and responsibility when you could get the same result through claiming your victimhood? Why put in the long hours and make the hard decisions when you could look for ways in which you’ve been marginalized and call foul?

Disabled? Why even try? Why would you want to overcome your challenges? Why would you want to try and find your gift? Why not tell the world that you got a raw deal and that it’s their responsibility to make it up to you?

Because of Stephen Hawking and everyone like him.

Put him in a pro football game and I’ll show you someone who is appears severely disabled. Place him within an academic environment where he can research, study, and share his knowledge… I’ll show you one of the most gifted individuals of the last century. It’s only a disability when you apply yourself to the wrong task. That means it’s not a disability, it’s a misalignment. Your genetic variance needs to be aligned with the right task for you to do what you do best. I would imagine Gronk would be about as successful at teaching theoretical physics to a group of PhDs as Hawking would be at catching an end-zone pass.

I think it’s about time we start making an effort to understand the situation for what it is. There are plenty of illnesses which are real. There are all kinds of foreign substances which can be introduced to your body which will mess your shit up. That’s where it’s important to understand how to heal the body and bring it back to a sustainable equilibrium. But I can’t help but think that this is very different from most if not all physical or cognitive ‘disabilities’. Those aren’t disabilities, those are genetic variances.

When I try to think about myself from the perspective of disability, I can see plenty that’s wrong with me. I get pretty bad anxiety moments. My confidencesisn’t perfect. I qualify as a slight depressed. I have a series of lingering suicidal thpughts and lower back pain and metal in my right foot. I have a heavily deviated septum. My sense of sociality sucks. I binge write. And etc. And etc. And etc. And it’s not like I’m unaware of them. I’m working on improving the ones I can, and not stressed about the rest.

It’s funny, I’m thinking back to when I grew up and it the was kind of neighborhood where nobody was short on disadvantages. Everyone was aware of what was making their lives hard. We didn’t complain or expect someone else to change it though, we just assumed the deck was stacked against us. What we would do was use that a measure of whose success was worth celebrating. It wasn’t about who had the greatest accomplishment, it was about who did the most with the least. I can’t help but be grateful that I was raised with that perspective.

When I think about who I am and what I’ve been given, with the perspective I have today… I see something pretty cool. All things considered, I think I got a pretty good roll of the genetic dice. But like anyone else, it’s a mixed bag. The way my brain is wired allows me to do certain thing exceptionally well while it struggles with others. Anxiety ? Why? Because my brain is wired to do things differently than someone else’s? And what if I can do these things better than the average person? Is it a disability? Who’s to say that my unique genetic variance doesn’t simultaneously display symptoms of anxiety while allowing my mind to do all kinds of other cool things that others struggle with

We are all our own deviation from the human blueprint. Each variation of that blueprint comes with its own advantages and disadvantages. And those advantages and disadvantages wills shift depending on circumstance. The best thing we can do for ourselves is understand where we have the potential to be exceptional at and apply ourselves to the best of our abilities. The best thing we can do as a society is to support the discovery of what makes us different, and then to support the pursuit of being our absolute best at it. Through this, I can see a happier, more productive world.

Whatever it is that you are, there is something you do better than anyone else. If you spend your time doing that, you are not disabled, you are gifted.