Access: Denied! You’re on my blocklist

Seems we always make excuses when we have to weed out the bad “crops” in our lives, I guess its the guilt we feel especially when we consider the years we’ve known each other. But, for our peace of mind and wellbeing, we need to declutter our lives no matter the cost.

dontcallmegaby

Last week, while driving home from visiting a “friend”, I noticed how uneasy I felt. My mind refused to settle and my thoughts swirled around like a hurricane in my head. A chemical attack in my brain; so many questions with very little answers. I hadn’t seen this friend in a while and thought I’d reach out l, but the recluse in me always regrets reaching out, especially when people don’t meet my expectations, or worse, disappoint me.

I arrived at her house and before I could even light my first joint, she brings up pipping hot tea about my ex. Mind you; we’ve been OVER for a year, yet she seemed to revel in bringing him up every time we linked, even if I don’t bring him up myself.

She also spoke low vibrationally about relationships in her own life and I could feel my soul cringing from this…

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Is Love really the Side Effect of Acceptance?

So, a friend of mine and I were talking about love, life, laughter and everything in between, and she asked me what the side effect of acceptance was, after I told her that I feel as though I’m always discriminated again, for being Black, for being Gay and for being a person with a Disability, and how I feel as though this unholy trinity is the reason I’m often alone

I didn’t know what to say to the rest of the question, “What is the Side Effect of Acceptance, and in true writing/poetry style she sent me this, ”

Side effects of Acceptance

 ~ There is nothing close to the symphony played by a content soul the heart beats at the right tune ~ Lilo

Acceptance I found was the answer to all my displeasure and discomfort. There is a certain peace that it brings about, till this day I wholeheartedly believe that acceptance of where I was and how far I had come brought me the peace I had spent an extended portion of my life looking for.

Acceptance does not mean giving up in anyway, it simply means taking a different direction in order to get to your destination, just because your outlook on life changes because you have accepted a portion of life does not mean your desires change in fact this gives you more edge in getting to your purpose and putting that crown on your head like a true king.

Acceptance also does not mean you are not changing your circumstance, it means you are using a different vehicle to change your circumstance. So in all fairness to yourself accept where you are and find a new vehicle to get to your destination.

In my wrestle with the idea of staying in peace I found that acceptance was the best medicine, I started a process of accepting my current situation and once that was done a whole new world opened up to me. I began to see new opportunities which were previously not clear to me become happier and ultimately fell in love with the direction my life was going. I found that I was in the right path and if I continued to give my all in all that I did it would place me in the best position for the next opportunity. I was ready to see beyond what the physical eyes could see. I took a vow to view life from my vision, to look at life from within, this is the God given view that every human on planet earth has been blessed with and I know for sure the view is way better from this view, so I chose to view from Gods window.

It is with a content soul that I share with you the bit of wisdom I have gained thus far.

In all the greatest harmonies I have listened to there is nothing close to the symphony played by a content soul, the heart beats at the right. 

Love is the side effect of acceptance.”

It left me thinking of how I’d always viewed life, and how unfair I have been on myself. For so long I’ve used the things about me (Race, Sexuality, Impairment) as some wall that prevented me from moving outside of my comfort zone because of past experiences, forgetting that as human beings, we evolve with time (Hopefully)

So, after years of always seeing the negatives, of pity parties and petty moments, angry journal entries about being the last rung on the ladder because of the things about myself that I cannot change, I have come to accept and love, because in-spite of them there’s been so many wonderful moments in my life that I cherish to this day.

And, after reading this response again tonight, I realize that love, like so many other things that we often search for externally and mostly eluded by them, is something that should start from within, before it could and should be experienced externally.

I’ve come to love my skin, my affection and attraction to men(in all shapes, shades and sizes) and this disability (a battle still raging on and I ain’t emerging a victim but a victor), and I’ve come to realize that I cannot expect people to love and accept me if I am not doing it myself.

So yes, love is the side effect of accept, because once you love something, or someone, you accept them for who they are and you love them not for what they were but what they are and what they are working towards becoming.

Its almost midnight, so I don’t wanna go on and on, but let me leave you with this quote, “Love takes off the masks that we fear we cannot live without and how we cannot live within,” James Arthur Baldwin.

Good night.

xxxxxx

K’mtso

Live for ow!!!!!

Sia wrote a song “Chandelier” and the chorus goes something like this…”I’m gonna swing from the chandelier, I’m gonna live like tomorrow doesn’t exist, I’m gonna fly like a bird through the night’’


How many people can ever say they want to swing from the chandelier, the danger and not to mention the pure stupidity of being careless with your life like that? But think about monotony and the danger it has on the mind and your health, doing the same thing over and over again and never
out of your comfort zone.

We are all living like that, safe and boring. We are curious that there might
be something worth seeing at the edge of the cliff but we would never dare go look what it is for the fear of falling over. Think about it, the moments where we think we’ve got something to lose are the same moments and exact moments we have absolutely and nothing to lose.

We are just so used in keeping our cards close to out chests that we miss everything that is around us.


So what if you swing from that chandelier? What if you finally give that guy a chance? What if you go ahead and quit your job in pursuit of something that will fulfill your life? What if you live to and do everything you can to make sure you are living your dreams?


What if you live today like tomorrow exist because after all it isn’t promised and life is too short? What if you get out of your comfort zone and try something totally new.


Go ahead, try a different writer and read history books. Get new music and dance like no one is watching. The trick is to try something different every day until you feel like you can have deep conversation with anyone about anything.Go back to varsity or take a new course that has nothing to do with what you are currently doing.


Broaden your horizons. I’ve heard people say if money was no object they’d travel and do this and that. What if money will always be an object then? What if you’ll never have enough? You will live your life hoping, praying
and wondering about the places you want to see and the places you want to visit?


Do it now! Find cheaper places to go to. Budget for them and make sure you visit them whenever you can. Life is forever moving it will never stop for you so make it stop spinning and live your life in abundance.

Restless Soul: Reflecting on my Life

Outgrowing is about being a giver. It’s about acknowledging what you have to give and asking yourself,’What can I contribute today?’ Its about being completely selfless and focusing on the support you can give people around you. At the end of the day, what you put,out comes back to you and multiplied.

So, accept your body, however it is or it isn’t. It has accepted you in every possible way. Accept it, and see how it accepts you even more. Accepting doesn’t mean not changing something you can in a healthy way. It only means that your love is unconditional. That your love is whole, and that it is the only way to love yourself.

And if you must know, I’ve been feeling a bit down ofmlare, its a process of maintaining my cool, its repetitive, relentless, and above all tedious. See, when I decided to stop my sessions I accepted my friends’ influence, I committed to my ‘happy state’ and months later, I find myself asking, ‘Is this is ?’

My ‘happy state’ is simply a grind, it feels like this leaky faucet which requires constant maintenance, and in return offers not to drip. I’ve told myself many times that I have poetry, literature, friends and a variety of other entertaining avenues so many times that is has somehow lost its meaning.

I used to imagine that a relapse will be a climax to some grande drama, now,I think if I were to attempt suicide/have severe suicidal thoughts, it will be in fact anticlimactic, I will surrender to the excessive drip, drip of existence

I often wonder if I should’vebeen born in another time, my senses often, well one can say unnaturally keen, an hour can be an era of destruction, a punishing drumbeat of constant input, this cacophony of which follows me into my home, and happy places, sips into my soul for lack of a better word, for a long time there was only one potent for my raw never-ending and it was copious suicidal thoughts.

So in my less than productive moments, I begin to wonder if I had just been born when it was a little bit quieter (in here) would I have been suicidal in the first place? Might I have been more happier, a more fully realised person, I just sit and ponder about the wonders of modality, before everything became amplified

To be honest, I find sharing my thoughts online to be most helpful especially these past months, and my appreciation for it has never wavered, but since my mini-episodes lately, I find the routine which used to bring me comfort, the familiar faces, books, sounds, food, vibes, just reminds me of my failures and the sad thing is my best friends are one of those faces in context, and although I want to try a new regiment, I’m hoping it won’t affect our friendship.

I thought it was goingmto be easy, to try new faces, new books, new sounds, food and vibes, but I miss that familiarity with which I’ve become accustomed to, and the newness ofmit all is difficult for me.

I have to admit though, I feel okay, I feel clear about something, my life, how I live, is not just about, living. Its infused with existing, and that it how it is. I’m a loner, and I should embrace it, I live in this world (our world) and I probably wil for the rest of my life, I understand it now, I accept it and I know what it means, it means that it is ridiculous for me to think that I can have a ‘normal’ life, I’m not gonna do that anymore, just like I’m not gonna present that maybe this isn’t the best era to be alive-and understand when I say I need to commit to this life

Signed
K’mtso

Love Letter to Dr. Bev Ditsie

Dear Dr. Bev
My name is Kgomotso Meso, I am not sure if you would know me if we were to ever be in the same surroundings, however, I could point you out in a crowd in that instant.
It’s taken me a very long time to pen this letter down, solely because I wasn’t sure if I was/am the right person to be writing it to someone of your caliber, I don’t mean to sound venerating you for my own benefit but you are pretty much a big deal in my eyes and I’m sure in so many other queer people out there.
I must say, I didn’t know about you until recently, I was fortunate to have been in attendance for the 2018 Simon Nkoli Memorial Lecturer, I hadn’t been big on queer activism and everything else queer-friendly and pushing the right of and for queer people across the spectrum, and to say I was unprepared for what I witnessed would be an understatement.
I want to start by firstly offer my deepest and belated condolences to you for the loss and passing of your comrade-in-arm best friend, Simon Nkoli, from watching your documentary (Simon and I), I can tell the two of you shared something that transcended friendship, activism, and comradiness, you two seemed to be existing on the same wave-length, something that’s lacking of lately.
I want to thank you, for your fortitude, for being resolute and standing firm in your belief for representation, visibility, inclusivity, pride and steadfast in making sure that queer people would not be ignored.
Thank you, for your time, for going out of your way and making sure that queer people had a voice in the grandeur scheme of things and that our voices are heard, not only in SA but abroad. Thank you for continuing to fight the injustice suffered at the hands of people who didn’t want to acknowledge, respect, see, hear and include us. For stand up to those in power who wanted us to be but a minor collective
Thank you for honesty, for speaking truth to power, for pointing out the wrongs, praising the good, and forging on when others around you were engulfed by doubt, for dragging them into the light and making g them see the what the fighting was for. Thank you, for being a part of the first Committee to organise Pride and therefore cementing us in the history books, for without people like you, there’d never be people like us. Thank you for not giving up, in the midst of being threatened, for those moments when you must’ve felt like giving up and didn’t, for championing for those without voices.
I am sure you heard this a lot, but you are one of the good ones, a pioneer of note, a force for good, undoubtedly the most inspiring human being. I’m particularly drawn to your documentary, especially when you doubted if Si in his last moments knew you were with him. I truly believe he did, and I believe he knew that you would carry the baton for change to places he never would. And I know he is proud of you, the milestones you have reached, the barriers you have broken, the wars you’ve fought known and unknown.

You are a remarkable person, a good friend, a revered activist, through situational awareness, you’ve taught us to be aware of the injustice towards LGBTIQA+ people , through emotional intelligence you’ve taught us how to respect others around us regardless of our differences, through empathy you’ve taught us to always walk a mile in other people’s shoes and never to judge, through media savvy you’ve taught us to use social media to not only connect but widely spread the word and show the world who we are and what we stand for, and through selflessness you’ve taught us to fight, shout, stand and be resolute in our quest to fight for those who can’t.

Re lebogela tsotlhe tseo oo di direleng go fetola maphelo a rona.

MOVING INTO DANCE PRESENTS…..HOTEL 🏠

10 August 2019

“PLEASURES UNLEASHED”

You know the old saying, “If walls could talk?” that’s what I thought sitting there watching this performance, inspired by Guillaune’s poem of the same name and choreographed by Moving Into Dance (MIDM)’s Mark Hawkins, the opening of performance leaves the spectators watching with shock as a ” newlywed” bride guns down her idling “husband”, as music changed, we are taken through an intriguing yet somehow “familiar” world of desire, forbidden love, loss, murder, jealousy, sexual exploration and self-destruction.

An 8 member cast, takes us on a journey of exploration, expressing the varied yearnings that have for so long being locked in closed doors and the darkest parts of reality only seen through the messy room that the room service patron is exposed to. We follow the “victim” of what’s called the “crime of passion” only to reveal the betrayal behind it.

As we become privy to what happens behind closed doors, the curtain pulls back and we get to see beyond the everyday pretences of what’s called “heterosexual normalcy” and we enter into a world laced with desire, greed, humour, love, innocence, and ultimate destruction

The performance, infused with humour, gives us a chance to not only see the world through the complex characters telling the story of fantasy, tubular sex, sultry seduction, touching on forbidden love (homo-love), the dangers of being guileless, the pain of betrayal and the ultimate sacrifice.

Each scene depicted different emotions, the rawness of feelings, from the pureness of falling, the sexual awakening, the flirtatious flamingo, the dying swan, and the ununderstood world of male sex work and finally the crime of passion. The interchange of the scenes leaves the audience with questions unanswered, and as the story unfolds, we begin to piece together the anger that simmers beneath the pretentious love, the fear of letting go, of being yourself and allowing your desires to take control of you.

However, something was missing, a sensual feeling of some sort, there was always a hint of something to come, something more daring, more provocative, more twists and turns, but as we got to the edge of our seats, waiting and waiting, the characters left us questioning, yearning, and wondering if there would be more, a smoke and mirrors deflection

We are awaiting  the next offerings from MID

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The background to the scenery

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Happier times

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The haze of curiosity

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The dance of demise

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Boylesque

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The calm before the storm

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Housekeeper/ Keeper of secrets

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The murderous bride, the scorned woman, the snake in the grass, the darkness beneath the veil, the jaded blade, the briner of death, the Black Widow

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Temptation

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Queen of Desire: The Flamingo Dance, Sultry, seduction, desire

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Faces behind the masks

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Loss of Innocence

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Death of a Swan

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Sexual awakening, forbidden love

When anxiety days strike

Are you like me when you can be fine for a while, only having the odd anxious moments or generally only being anxious for very specific reasons, and then one day comes where you feel paralysed by anxiety and you don’t know what to do?

I haven’t fully figured out yet how to make it go away(maybe professionals would have a better idea, of course), but I do know thatwhen these days come around I need to take them for myself, take the time toheal and let my thoughts get organised again. I also know though, that the linebetween taking time for myself and isolating myself is very thin, and I need toknow exactly when that alone time needs to come to an end, or it might do moredamage than good.

The thing that bothers me is not knowing what I’m anxious about. Most days it has a reason, but these days it can just come and linger around for absolutely no good reason, meaning I don’t know how to make it goaway (at all).

Sometimes you just need some quiet around you to recharge. And I don’t quiet in terms of tangible noise, but in terms of emotional noise,the negativity that emanates from human beings.

If I can’t be around you it doesn’t mean I don’t like you or that I have anything against you, it just means that my head is too cluttered,and I need to clear it in order to feel okay again. It means that no matter how much I try to drown out the noise, being around others who going against everything and focusing on the negative side of life is getting to me, and that doesn’t allow me to be in peace with my thoughts.

Like it or not, I’m not always strong enough to be able to face your criticism or others without feeling a little torn down myself. That’s why, when you see me fleeing and seeking for this quiet time, don’t take itpersonally.

My head needs time to recollect its thoughts and figure outto make me feel better without outside influences.

It’s only because of this silence that I’m able to keep feeling inspired

Have you gotten like this before? How do you make anxiety go away when you don’t really know the source of it?

Talk to me, how do you deal with your axiety? What techbiques do you have to combat it?

On a cold February night…..

I thought I had it under control, laugh when I’m sad, smile when I’m hurt, love when I’m betrayed, sing without a voice, but fuck it. Sometimes, the only thing you can do is get away, leave it all behind. Start afresh, on a clean slate, a new chapter.

All these crosses my mind as I laid there in the dark, spent from a session of fake love making, him, breathing ever so serene besides me, there’s no love between us anymore, at best, we’ve become intimate strangers.

I mean, how do you love someone who doesn’t love you back? Where do you master up the energy to keep giving him your all?

I thought love was supposed to feel like a sweet sight of satin sheets gently caressing my skin, but it’s though, it’s as hard as someone’s feet in summertime pavements, as a dick in one’s crack.

You see, for me love feels hopeless, and we all know too well that hope is dangerous at times. I sat there, waiting on him to learn how to love me, to give it a try. I sat there like a blind man searching for new eyes on the internet. Why don’t I just walk away? Why do I sit here and let him keep me in a place of confusion?

For a moment I thought I was crazy, I thought I was over thinking things, but then you remembered what love truly is. It is a maze, a maze I keep turning the corner hoping he’ll be there, it’s a place where the sun shines but it’s raining th the same time.

Love… Love is like bipolar on steroids. I mean, out of all things why would I invest in something I no longer believed in? Maybe it’s me, maybe, in order for me to be immensely in love with this man, I’d had to fall in love with myself. Maybe, if I didn’t feel like somehow the the men in life had failed me I wouldn’t be feeling this inadequacy towards a man whose loved me flaws and all.

But you see, I don’t think I’m willing to allow myself this moment of bliss, to breathe a brand new air and have his love engulf even the doubts in mind. Instead, I’m sitting here in the dark, plotting my escape from a love, and a man who seems to be shaking the very foundations of my insecurities.
Will he understand that it has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with me. That I’m afraid of loving him because he’s everything I’ve ever wanted in man, that he is a man, and then some. Oh God, what is wrong with me?

I am close to tears now, so im gonna just cuddle with this beautiful specimen and forgetabout my inability to be vulnerable with him

Unapologetically me: Black, Queer, Complex and Loving ME😉

The most important thing I want you to take away from this is that you are most definitely, without a doubt good enough. I need you to remember there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

I know there is a good chance you are rolling your eyes at that statement, you may be muttering to yourself, “yeah right” or “whatever” but mutter away cause it’s true.

It’s tough being the guy who cares too much. The guy who would do anything for those he cares about without wanting anything in return.

I totally get that. It can take a toll on a person.

You’re the guy that overthinks everything. The one who worries about everyone before worrying about himself. You’re the guy who loves with his whole heart. You jump in with no hesitations. You’re also the guy who’s had his heart broken because of it. The one who at the end of the day begins to question everything.

You need to erase this idea that there is something the matter with you. Delete the notion that you’re unlovable, that you have some sort of personality flaw that stops someone from loving you.

You see the problem was never you. It’s the boy you openly gave your heart to, that couldn’t see the value in your love. A guy who took a heart of gold and tried to tarnish it. A guy who doesn’t deserve the love you’ve continuously tried to give him. If he makes you feel like you’re not good enough, he isn’t good enough.

Forget that guy because as much as losing him hurts, there will be someone to pick up the pieces and help you leave him in the dust. There is someone out there who will show you how a real gentleman treats a lady.

Let me tell you, you deserve a man that will lift you up, help you believe in yourself, remind you fairy tales do exist and that you can have your own Nicholas Sparks tale, but it’ll be even better cause it will be your own.

Stop comparing yourself to every other guy out there. You were born to be different, to be an individual. You’re not supposed to be like everyone else, otherwise you wouldn’t be you.

Just because he has some features you wish you had, doesn’t mean you aren’t deserving of the same things he is, it doesn’t make you any less of a man. He may be taller, weigh a little less than you but it doesn’t make him better. Chances are there are things he doesn’t like about himself as well.

The things you see as flaws or imperfections make you the wonderful man you are.

Stop looking at yourself in the mirror feeling disgusted. Stop picking out all the things you hate about yourself. Focus on all the good. Stop telling yourself that if you lost a few pounds everything would be better. Stop convincing yourself your weight is a reason to not be worthy.

You have to learn to love yourself before you can expect someone else to love you. I promise there will be a guy who will love every little thing about you, even your obsession with cold pizza, the way you fall in love with characters from the many novels you have read and collected and every other thing you think is wrong with your body.

Please know that the scale doesn’t define you. You may be skinnier than other guys or you may be a little more curvaceous and both of those are perfectly fine. Embrace it all, because you are beautiful.

Forget those who make you feel any less deserving of respect, love, honesty, loyalty and trust. In fact tell them, ‘Bye Felicia”. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, because those who refuse to see your worth or helped put the notion that you’re not good enough is someone you don’t need around.

Love yourself. You are wonderful and worthy.

You are more than “good enough”. You’re great, and your strengths outweigh your weaknesses everyday.

You are beautiful, strong, intelligent, witty, sarcastic, funny and worthy. You’re a genuinely beautiful soul and a fantastic man, so please believe in yourself, and screw the haters.

-From one guy who let the world tell him he wasn’t good enough, it’s time we start believing we are.

#Self_Love #Self_believe #Self_worth #Beautiful _is_me