Outgrowing is about being a giver. It’s about acknowledging what you have to give and asking yourself,’What can I contribute today?’ Its about being completely selfless and focusing on the support you can give people around you. At the end of the day, what you put,out comes back to you and multiplied.
So, accept your body, however it is or it isn’t. It has accepted you in every possible way. Accept it, and see how it accepts you even more. Accepting doesn’t mean not changing something you can in a healthy way. It only means that your love is unconditional. That your love is whole, and that it is the only way to love yourself.
And if you must know, I’ve been feeling a bit down ofmlare, its a process of maintaining my cool, its repetitive, relentless, and above all tedious. See, when I decided to stop my sessions I accepted my friends’ influence, I committed to my ‘happy state’ and months later, I find myself asking, ‘Is this is ?’
My ‘happy state’ is simply a grind, it feels like this leaky faucet which requires constant maintenance, and in return offers not to drip. I’ve told myself many times that I have poetry, literature, friends and a variety of other entertaining avenues so many times that is has somehow lost its meaning.
I used to imagine that a relapse will be a climax to some grande drama, now,I think if I were to attempt suicide/have severe suicidal thoughts, it will be in fact anticlimactic, I will surrender to the excessive drip, drip of existence
I often wonder if I should’vebeen born in another time, my senses often, well one can say unnaturally keen, an hour can be an era of destruction, a punishing drumbeat of constant input, this cacophony of which follows me into my home, and happy places, sips into my soul for lack of a better word, for a long time there was only one potent for my raw never-ending and it was copious suicidal thoughts.
So in my less than productive moments, I begin to wonder if I had just been born when it was a little bit quieter (in here) would I have been suicidal in the first place? Might I have been more happier, a more fully realised person, I just sit and ponder about the wonders of modality, before everything became amplified
To be honest, I find sharing my thoughts online to be most helpful especially these past months, and my appreciation for it has never wavered, but since my mini-episodes lately, I find the routine which used to bring me comfort, the familiar faces, books, sounds, food, vibes, just reminds me of my failures and the sad thing is my best friends are one of those faces in context, and although I want to try a new regiment, I’m hoping it won’t affect our friendship.
I thought it was goingmto be easy, to try new faces, new books, new sounds, food and vibes, but I miss that familiarity with which I’ve become accustomed to, and the newness ofmit all is difficult for me.
I have to admit though, I feel okay, I feel clear about something, my life, how I live, is not just about, living. Its infused with existing, and that it how it is. I’m a loner, and I should embrace it, I live in this world (our world) and I probably wil for the rest of my life, I understand it now, I accept it and I know what it means, it means that it is ridiculous for me to think that I can have a ‘normal’ life, I’m not gonna do that anymore, just like I’m not gonna present that maybe this isn’t the best era to be alive-and understand when I say I need to commit to this life